Thursday, May 10, 2012

Saying No

Outfit deets:
* Smart Set denim jacket (couple years old) which I've worn with these pink pants before with stripes.
* H&M henley bubble tank that I've had for a year.
* Bongo pink pants which are becoming a wardrobe staple (funny  how that happens since I was so apprehensive about wearing them at first) and last seen with a khaki denim jacket and polka dots and a sock bun.
* Le Chateau wedges (new!) that have tassels on 'em.
* Accessories: Stitches bird+cage necklace, MK watch & random bracelets

What do you feel like?

An frequently asked question but one that's response can be so hard to put into words.

I have had trouble expressing how I feel in the past; not wanting to hurt someone's feelings or give them the wrong impression, so I go along with whatever it is they want (I'm talking minor things here people, like weekend plans).  I was always nervous to say how I really felt in fear it would come across the wrong way or they would perceive it incorrectly.  A problem that most people who know me intimately might not think I have.  You see, I have been described as outgoing, friendly, loud, bossy, someone with a strong-personality... confident.  You wouldn't think someone with those traits, those qualities, would have a hard time speaking their mind.

And sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I speak my mind very clearly.

But sometimes it is much harder.  Sometimes I fall into the 'yes-trap' and have a hard time saying no.  Sometimes I accept invitations, plans, ideas when I really don't want to.  And hey, sometimes it's great to compromise, but when you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no more often than not, that's when a change is due.

About a year ago, a friend recommended a book to me: 'The Disease to Please' by Harriet B. Braiker (a Doctor) and within the first 20 pages, I was totally doing the, 'Yes, this is so me.  I'm so this type of people pleaser!'.  There are three types of 'pleasers' in the book and your type is established through a series of mini-questions and surveys.  It's shocking how accurate it is.

I didn't end up finishing the book, just got busy with other stuff, but I really feel like the first quarter of the book already fed me so much.  Already fulfilled me so much.  It was a little bit eye-opening and surprising too.

I have been working on saying no over the past year.  This has to do with people-pleasing; always wanting to say yes to please others.  It's not easy, but over time it gets easier.  I read a fantastic quote though, about a month ago, "Learning to say no can be very difficult at first because the people around you that have been interacting with you have become used to you saying yes.  The other person may get angry, and then you have to know that their anger has nothing to do with you.  It has to do with them.  Just remember to say to yourself: When I say no to you, I'm saying yes to me."

Isn't that so true?


Schnelle said...

Love this outfit and those pants! It's so true, I often find myself saying yes to things too but lately I'm trying to just stay quiet and not say anything, just listen and not give an answer right away. This has helped me a little but it's a struggle. I think deep down every one is a people pleaser, especially to the people closest to us.

Jamie said...

I can completely identify with the people pleasing. I have been that way my entire life but as I got into my late 20s I started realizing that it could be detrimental to my mental health to say yes and started saying no. Now, I make it a point to determine what is important in my life and say yes only to things that line up with those important things!

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